A tribute from a daughter

For those who believe in the saying – ‘The past is history, the future a mystery, the present a gift’ I recommend you to move on from this article. Because I am about to take you all to a journey that I made, five years back.

Date: 6^th May, 2003

Place: National Institute of Technology, Trichy

I see a girl, like the other first year students of B.Tech, running around and getting all the no dues certificates, practical note books etc signed. The entire campus is abuzz with pre exam activities, after all the first years have their second semester exams starting after two days. This girl, after doing her fair share of rounds for the above mentioned formalities, comes back to her hostel room when she is informed by one of her yearmates that she has been summoned to the warden’s room.

I am sure the readers have understood who the girl in the above lines is. However, for those who have failed to see the connection yet, I would like to introduce myself. I had enrolled as the student of NIT Trichy for B.Tech 2002 and as mentioned in the above lines, it was me who was sitting in the hostel room on my bed on that fateful (or rather fateless) day, absolutely oblivious of what lay in store for me.

I can still remember my friend coming in to announce that I am wanted at the warden’s room. I can still hear her say ‘All the best’ as she went out (I never asked her later what made her add it as an afterthought). Anyways baffled by the fact that I have not been in any trouble and hence, any summon by the warden is highly inexplicable, I remember entering the room to see the warden gravely sitting on a chair. Alas, my memory refuses to retrieve events clearly from this point. The warden is telling me that my father is sick and I need to go back immediately. I am denying vehemently, saying that I had spoken to him only the day before and there must have been some confusion somewhere. I remember the warden hesitating, then asking me to pack my bags, not giving me any further chance to argue.

I don’t remember going back to my room. I also don’t remember how I broke this news to my friends, or perhaps I never told them in the first place. I just remember that I picked up a few denims from my cupboard and shoved them into the bag, still uncertain as to why I should be going. I try calling up my home landline no. Nobody answers. I refuse to accept this as a signal of danger. Outside my room, all my friends had already started making arrangements for my journey. I am inside my room, still dazed, not daring to go out and yet assuring myself again and again that nothing wrong has happened, that nothing wrong can happen!!!!

I still have no clue as to how my friends arranged for the tickets so soon. By that evening, I heard that I have to travel to Chennai by bus that very night and then I would be taking a flight to Raipur. No other detail was furnished, my mind was too perplexed to sort out anything anyways.

One of our teachers had come to drop us (it was arranged that another friend of mine would be accompanying me, inspite of severe protests from me) at the Trichy bus stand. I remember hazily that all my statemates had come to bid me goodbye but I hardly remember anything concrete. However, I do remember that I was secretly hoping everything to be a cruel prank, and when I go home I find everything as usual.

I have absolutely no memory of the events during the journey. I vaguely remember my friends boosting me in their own sweet way (however they were all driving me crazy internally, as I could not fathom what they are trying to drive at). I craved to speak to my family but for some reason they were refusing to pick up my calls. I reached Raipur after a gruelling fourteen hours. My friend’s mum had come to pick us up from the airport. As I headed towards my home, I was sick with nervousness and a shadow of gloom had overpowered me. I was so scared that I dared not ask anybody if everything is ok at my home. I sat quietly in the car as my friend started narrating about the experiences during our journey to her mom but I was too exhausted to be able to paricipate in any of the conversation. Upon reaching my home, my friend’s mother held my wrist tightly and took me inside the house. I was totally taken aback by this gesture but I had no time to retaliate. As we went upstairs, while I was trying to free myself from her hold, I saw my mom’s face looking down at me. That one gaze had told me everything I needed to know.

In that one moment, I understood everything. In that one moment, I realised that my dad is no more. In that one moment I realised that from now on nobody would call me ‘Mamma’ (a name which only my dad used). I realised that I had grown up by atleast ten years in that one moment. I had heard that sometimes one moment changes your entire life. I had encountered that pivotal moment of my life, that moment. I screamed and screamed, till my lungs gave away and felt my knees going weak beneath me as my mom took me into her arms.

I hardly had time to spend with my family after this since the college authorities had made it clear that I needed to appear in the exam as scheduled. I returned to my college after staying at home for 3 days, I am not sure what I did during those days, I have absolutely no recollection of any event in that period. By the time I returned to college, I had already missed two of my practical exams and I remember that I had to appear for one prac each day since then, so that I could finish them off before my theory exams started (I remember one of them was a holiday, I was the only student in the Physics laboratory finishing my exam).

Five years have passed by since then. And I still miss my dad. I still miss running up to him and grabbing his helmet as he got down from his scooter. I miss hearing his footfalls as he entered the house. I miss seeing him sitting on sofa reading the newspaper with a cigarette in his hand, every morning as I woke up. I miss being able to ask him any question and get an instantaneous answer. I miss him waking me up in the morning during my exams. However, now I have evolved my own way of coping without him. I don’t need anyone to wake me up anymore, I do that by myself. If I don’t know the answer to a question, I look for it until I have got it. And as for you, dad, I can feel your presence by my side always. You are my strength, my inspiration in everything that I do, you will always be…. Though I would never be able to see you again, you will always be in my heart and my memories, you are there with me in all my moments. I am proud of you Dad, and I hope that I have grown to be the person you wanted your daughter to be. I love you dad, and will continue to do so till the very last breath of my life.

As I conclude recounting the most devastating experience of my life, I would like to express my gratitude towards my friends, teachers and the staff of my college who had been very helpful during the darkest period of my life (what I owe to my family is too huge to be handled in words, so I would not even attempt it). Perhaps I had been too sensitive to speak about this issue and hence, I have never been able to express how much their being by my side, meant to me. I thank each and everybody who had stood by me then, from the bottom of my heart, and may God bless each one of you.

P. S. – For a long time, I had been avoiding this article. I was apprehensive about the emotions that I would evoke in the readers. However, the feeling that I owe this to many people finally made me write this. I had always been horrified that people would sympathize with me on hearing about this emotional trauma. (I have often been asked insolent question as to how my mom managed to raise us without our dad, questions that grossly underestimate the prowess of my mother). However, today with the support of my family and well wishers, I have grown to be a person strong enough so much so that if, on reading this article, you come and say to me – ‘Hey, I am really very sorry’ , I would smile back at you and say – ‘Don’t be. I am not!!’