SLOW Construction Area

 If I had 1 word to describe how my life is, right now, it would be - SLOW. It's the same routine of getting up, doing my morning yoga, attending calls while sipping my morning tea and gulping down my breakfast, taking some more calls, trying to introduce some routine in my son's life, running around until it is time to call it a day. Sounds paradoxical when I said my life is slow. Perhaps I meant mundane? Or boring??

I think of myself, 2 years back, and I see someone oozing with confidence and passion, determined to make an impact by herself. Sadly, I have lost this passion over the last couple of years. I have been consciously feeling that I am slowing down physically. Things that I could deal with are no longer my cup of tea. Somethings are always on my to-do list, the only reason they are on that list is because of my vanity. I know I can't get these done by myself, and so I keep procrastinating. I often sit back and wonder about the purpose of what I am doing. It feels like I am facing a midlife crisis where I question everything in my life. My priorities have undergone a change and perhaps, I am still trying to find a balance between what I have to do and what I want to do. As of right now, it has been a daunting task and I am failing miserably at it.

When I look at my older pictures, I feel a distinct line separating the person in the picture from me. It's invisible but indelible, very much there, something only I can perceive but can't shake off. I admire that person, her courage, her enthusiasm, her can-do-it attitude, the sacrifices she made, the battles she fought and came where she wanted to. The person who always wanted more, was not afraid to speak up and was willing to go the extra mile to get what she wanted. Sometimes I wonder, did she take on more than she was supposed to?? How did she transform into this lackadaisical, aimless, yielding person? But perhaps the bigger question is - can she be revived? Can she really come back? I truly miss her.

Ya devi sarvabhuteshu shaktirupena sansthita....

Year 2020 will not be treated kindly by history. It's the year that brought the world to a screeching halt and threatened to build new normals. But we still have 5 more months to go till we go into another year, and I don't intend this post to be a chronological reference.

Somewhere in our lives, we all live through those moments - life altering, earth shattering, world crumbling... you get the idea. The moments from which there is no looking back. That moment when you feel that the rug has been pulled from under your feet. That moment that leaves you gasping and panting, as if all the air has been sucked out from the atmosphere. The moment which will be etched in your memory for a long time. That moment when you feel the full force of a heavy truck hitting you and your body attempting to move away from the impact, except that there is nowhere to move away. The moment that defines your life and leaves a scar on your timeline. Before so and so happened, after I came out of that etc. etc. In my experience, those moments are not the ones we dread. It's the carnival of our emotions that are at play in the aftermath of such moments that dictate the severity of our wound and the pain that is to follow.

I remember one such moment in life. I had the luxury of having a mirror close to me, so I stole a look at myself while I was in it. I silently bade farewell to the old 'me' because I know that this moment needed a new 'me'.

It has been sometime since that moment passed. And while I have recuperated to a large extent from that experience, I have not been the same anymore. I have more insecurities, newly-found courage, restored faith in God and better clarity in terms of my priorities. Most importantly though, I think I appreciate things around me much more. In the daily rigmarole, it is natural to start taking things for granted and that gives us a big jolt when something falls out of its place. I have a more accurate disposition of my strengths but most importantly, my weaknesses. And of course, this experience has humbled me. My source of strength has changed and my patience has grown (there is still a great room for improvement).

The recent events have rekindled our interest on some overlooked areas of our lives. The fallacy of taking things for granted when things around us are fine is something that we, as a society, are also guilty of. One such topic is our mental health. I can understand why this is so easily missed. Our brain needs to actively see things in order to prioritize it. In a way, it becomes the victim of its own limitation. Stress, anxiety, despair, negativity - these are not visible and hard to spot and easy to mask. The weight of these emotions crushes our minds and sucks our soul. The task of living with these emotions becomes harder because we disguise our feelings and put up a facade for everyone, including yourself. This conflict is no less than the famed battle waged by Goddess Durga against the the demon Mahishasura. If lost, we are doomed to an eternity of darkness and despair. 

Comeback or cameo?!

6.5 years!! That's how long it has been since I posted anything here. I read my older blogs and almost felt like a third person reading my own words, that's how long it has been!
Needless to say, things have changed drastically from the last time I was here. After I wrote the last post, I changed job, we moved to a different state, I went back to school and shortly afterwards, embarked on the journey of motherhood. Of all the events, the last one has shaken me to the core and unleashed a plethora of insecurities hidden deep within me. To be responsible for another life, another human, who would someday grow up and contribute to the world that we all live in, is a scary thought and one that still gives me cold sweats.
With everything going on, I am not sure how much time can I devote to this blog. I want to try, for my own sake, to vent out my thoughts. Internet is not the best place to do that, but I belong to the netizen era, and typing is much more convenient than writing.